How to return a random show function effect with javascript

I'm trying to show some element with a random effect.

I store those functions in an array and try to get a random function from that array, but the functions seem to rum at the same time.

$.random_show = function(){
            (function($) {
            $.rand = function(arg) {
                if ($.isArray(arg)) {
                    return arg[$.rand(arg.length)];
                } else if (typeof arg === "number") {
                    return Math.floor(Math.random() * arg);
                } else {
                    return 4;  // chosen by fair dice roll
                }
                };
            })(jQuery);

            $.hide1 = function(){
                alert ('right');
                $('.feed_g_audio_holder_overlay').show("slide", { direction: "right" }, 700);
            }
            $.hide2 = function(){
                alert ('left');
                $('.feed_g_audio_holder_overlay').show("slide", { direction: "left" }, 700);
            }
            $.hide3 = function(){
                alert ('down');
                $('.feed_g_audio_holder_overlay').slideDown();
            }

            var hide_array = [$.hide1(), $.hide2(), $.hide3()];
            return $.rand(hide_array);
            }

Where am I getting this wrong?